I Fall for it every time. (Pt 1)

It never ceases to amaze me
how you never cease to betray me
but it's almost to point where it doesn't phase me,
as you you rephrase the old tricks
disguised as a new script that prevent me from predicting
the promises you make but don't intend to keep

it never ceases to amaze me
how i'm on the cusp of trusting you
but you're so caught up in the lust of it
that you don't notice me adjust and push you away
because i'm so disgusted.
With you for feeling the need to discuss the subject
but it's something i should expect by now,
manage to deflect the disrespect that rolls so easily off your tongue but...
it has a new mask now,
so it slides through to me unchecked
and now i'm disgusted with me
for misplacing my trust and
thrusting my heart at you when you weren't ready to catch it

it never ceases to amaze me
how after all this time
you still know how to push my buttons
somehow the order is still the same
to put that smile on my face
and fill my balloon
higher and higher
until it's in just the right place
for you to pop it,
You keep a straight face
during my fall from grace
and erase every trace of you
so my heart is displaced and broken
and i look like the nut case
who fell for the new tricks from the same old boy.

it never ceases to amaze me
how just as I start to replace you
and find somebody new

and embrace the fact that I'm fine without you

you decide to touch base

just in case i almost forgot you.

I put my poker face on and brace for impact

because my memory only seems to retrace the good times

blacked out the fact that you left my heart cracked

and now that its back intact you want to reenact every moment of my fall.

It never ceases to amaze me

no matter what condition I'm in
you seem to be on a mission to break my strength

And despite my best efforts to keep you at arm's length,

you break through,

and somehow I fall for you.





To Be Continued..... (And possibly retitled)

Coward

If I don’t exist when you’re sober,

Don’t remember me when you’re drunk

If I’m dead to you without the smoke in your lungs,

Don’t revive me when they’re all filled up.

Don’t blow up my phone with those lame “are you up” texts

Asking if I wanna come over for sex

Or maybe just chat

Because you know I’m worth more than that

More than late night regrets and selfish “come back”s

With no consideration for the implications

And repercussions that those words might hold

Or any regard for the heart that you broke

Don’t text me because the liquor made you forget

Just because the flicker of the moonlight

Tricked your mind into redefining your idea of our fucked up relationship

Using sweet words as a bargaining chip

Thinking hopefully I’ll slip and

Fall for it and you all over again

But I’m not dumb and naive like I was back then

The first time we completed this cycle and you pushed me away

Because it was you who was the coward

That disappeared and cowered in fear

From the strong woman whose emotions were sincere

You said you would be busy but I was willing to persevere

But when you told me you didn’t want me I kicked out my landing gear

In hopes of preparing for the crash

You threw me away like trash and in a flash you were gone

Left with nothing but the ghost of you and forced to move on

Years of back and forth and endless frustration

Without cessation of the constant blame you put on me

I was too this or too that

All things you claim in order to ignore your responsibility

And shame me into thinking Maybe my crown is too big or too heavy

When really it’s your hands that are too small

To carry all the weight of its majesty

That I earned through all the heartache

Every jewel placed after every heartbreak I made it through

So imagine my surprise when late one night my phone rings and its you

Of course it’s three in the morning

And without warning you ask me something

That’s conforming you and transforming you into exactly the fuckboy I thought you’d never be

Yanking me awake as you try to explain

Your request that dredges up the heartache that I tried to bury years ago

As you attempt to persuade I’m forced to cut you short

Because I’m reminded of how so easily you manage to distort

Our truth

Of who loved who the most and who got lost along the way

I have all the proof I need that I was the one who got crossed out

That I was the one who fought, despite the cost of my heart

How many nights I resisted the cries of my heart

The drunken dials I refused to start

The texts I drafted that would never depart

My will power grew strong

Despite how much I longed for you

You made it clear that I didn’t belong

But you

The coward

Gave in every time

Only empowered by the burning flowers

or the small brain in your trousers

thinking perhaps I would devour your drunken words

but I’ve put guards on my heart

because so long I was invisible to you

that now I’m invincible to you

the typical man with actions unforgivable and inadmissible

because it’s the principal of the matter that I never mattered when you were sober

so don’t remember me when you’re drunk if you forget me when you’re sober

and don’t revive me with smoke filled lungs if I was dead to you when they’re empty.

Growing Up

As I sit here and do this homework for class this morning, it really hits me that I've spent the better part of 4 years with the same people.
It really hits me that we're celebrating our 22nd birthdays. I turned 22 in November, she turned 22 in January and he turns 22 on Tuesday. I'm really trying to figure out when we got so old. (Relatively speaking, of course, since 22 isn't "old" at all) When did we stop being kids and become adults? When did we start preparing for the rest of our lives?
The time has flown by and I'm wondering if I'm making the right decisions for the rest of my life. I've got 5 weeks left of classes of undergrad, before I begin taking my Masters Classes and embark on my internship journey this summer/fall.
One way or another, we're all talking about engagements and weddings and having kids and doing all of this sometime in the near future, whether or not any of us are actually in a serious relationship. We're all thinking about what's best for our futures and I, for one, and totally and completely overwhelmed.
It's funny how we used to think being an adult was so cool. As a child, all we saw was freedom. No parents to tell us what to do or when to do it. No teachers to tell us we had this assignment due at this time or to still still and be quiet. We thought freedom. But the closer I get to graduating, I'm reminded that with freedom comes responsibility. Responsibility to get to work on time, to pay bills before their due date, to put gas in the car. Responsibility to figure out what we're having for dinner, that is if we can afford something more than Easy Mac cups. Responsibility to pay the car note and the rent, and the utility bill, and the phone bill... the list goes on.
As I sit here and do this homework I'm reminded that we're growing the hell up and I'm not sure I'm ready for that. With freedom comes responsibility, and I'm trying to blow that off as long as possible. (Maybe even if it means moving back in with Mom & Dad)

Soapbox Moment: African American vs. Black

This is my soapbox moment for the day... probably for the year.

I just want to take a moment to elaborate upon the difference between the terms "African American" and "Black."
Although I am biracial and therefore do not fully identify with either "black" or "white" race, I have a huge problem with the term "African American." I personally believe it is just as racist as any racial slur.
People use the term "African American"to refer to people of color, in an attempt to be politically correct. However, those same people do not use the same naming system to refer to "white" people.
White people, or "caucasian" if you will, came from Europe. All people in America came from somewhere other than this country. LITERALLY, ALL. Of course, some people have ancestors who founded the 13 original colonies, but even those people came from Europe.The vast majority of people's ancestors in North America, as a whole, came from across an ocean or sea. Black people's ancestors also came from across the sea. Their ancestors came from Africa, which is how some idiot coined the term "African American." Therefore, the white people that inhabit this country, should also be referred to by their continent or country of origin. However, they are not. White people aren't European-American or Irish-American or whatever; They're just "white". They have the same amount of generations here in the United States that black people have.
Black people are so quick to advocate for equal rights, equal opportunities, equal this, equal that. But to me, that all starts by advocating to get rid of the term "African-American."

That's all.
Stepping off the box.
Tell me what y'all think.

New Year, New Classes!

Hey y'all! Short Post, just really quickly wanted to update y'all since it's been a while.
This semester is shaping up to be a fun, exciting, busy semester.
      First of all, I just want to give ALL the glory to God. When He shows up, He shows out, y'all! First, I got paired with an amazing girl to go out into the schools with this semester. She is so kind and we get along so well! I'm excited to spend the semester with her. Second, Nathan and I have been having to work so hard to keep our relationship strong because we've both been so busy. He recently got a new full-time job, so he works 8-5. Whereas, with me, I have class 8a - 8p on Mondays and Wednesdays and 8a-12n on Fridays. So we don't have nearly as much time to spend with each other as we used to and it's been difficult but we're working on it! Third, we're pretty sure Nathan is about to get a promotion at this new job. I don't want to say too much and jinx it, but it's truly nothing but God. We've been so frustrated with his/our situation, but I have to remind myself that His timing is perfect. He has Nathan exactly where He wants him. He knows exactly what He's doing and why the situation is like it is. God laughs at the plans we have for ourselves. It's difficult to be in the situation that Nathan is in, but I have total faith in God, that He's gonna work it out and we're gonna be happy. If we're not happy, it's not the end. I just truly have to sit back and praise Him sometimes. He's just putting everything in place for his future, for mine. (And maybe even our future together, but lets not get too ahead of ourselves ;) haha)
     Second, I've started taking all my Teacher Education classes to learn how to teach. This past Wednesday I had my first in-classroom experience. I got to observe my mentor teacher and even got to work with the students! It was very interesting experience. I was nervous and anxious and excited all at the same time. I loved it! I'll write more about that later, though!
     Lastly, I've moved rooms so I'm out of that volatile situation. I'm so much happier here with these three new girls than I was with the one I considered a friend. These three girls have been so kind and welcoming to me. The ONLY problem I have encountered so far is that one of them likes to turn the a/c up to 79 degrees at night. I wake up in a sweat. But other than that, they have been great! No signs of crazy! :)

More Later,
Lauren <3 :)

I need winter break to start, like, yesterday.

Y'all, I'm missing Scandal tonight. It was the one thing I had been looking forward to all week, but no. The cable has been out all day and I'm really bummed.
I'm so overwhelmed right now.
I interviewed for the Teaching Program here at the University of Tennessee on the 4th and I won't hear back for another few weeks, so I'm just trying to stay calm until then. Unfortunately, that's proving rather hard to do because as I consider my future, I realize just how much is riding on this internship. If I don't get in, I can't take certain classes next semester, putting me in jeopardy to not graduate on time. Additionally, if I don't take those classes, I won't fulfill my education minor's requirements. Also, I don't get this internship, I'll have to consider moving back home in the fall which I just am really not prepared to do.
With that said, there are a number of things that could happen if I do get in. I'll be taking 19 hours next semester which has the potential to be an intense load. Also, I'll have to find someway to pay for the internship year (on top of figuring out how to defer the loans I already have). I'll probably have to find a job, one that will work with my hours. And, I'll have to find somewhere to live. Which means more money. And I'll have to find a roommate. So I'll be taking a small load of classes next fall as well as being in a classroom i don't know how many days a week, plus I'll be working at whichever place with work with my schedule.
It's a little overwhelming.
Plus everything with "Lucy."
Plus finals week is coming up, including a take home essay that is 5-7pgs long.

It kind of goes without saying that I am so beyond ready for Winter Break.

Until next time,
Love Always.

Cathartic Release

Hey, y'all. It's been a long time since I've written. And it sucks to come back to you like this, but it is what it is. I'm taking a cognitive psychology class this semester and last week we talked about the effects of writing and how it can serve as like a release of emotions. Additionally, in an experiment, those who wrote an essay about a negative emotional event had better short term memory, and better grades a semester later than those who didn't.
So, here I am trying to get my release.

For the past few weeks, I've been dealing with roommate problems. Let's just call her Lucy. Lucy's accused me of running my mouth, not cleaning when I need to, and now, most recently, accused me of stealing.
First, I'll address the running of my mouth. The first accusation occurred when an acquaintance, call her Megan, texted me about her boyfriend who happens to be Lucy's ex boyfriend. Well, previous to receiving this text, Lucy and I had talked about this boy because he had been at a party and had approached Lucy. Following the party, he, according to Lucy, went home with another girl and got left by his teammates, so he called Lucy to ask if she could give him a ride so that he wouldn't miss practice, putting him in jeopardy of losing his scholarships. Lucy obliged. Whenever she got back,  she informed of their rough history, and although they're fine now, they're not in any sort of regular contact. So anyway, a few days later, Megan asked me whether I had seen him at said party and if he had been with any girls. I politely answered that yes he had been at the party, but I needed to ask someone about him being w/girls. Therefore, I asked Lucy if she had heard from this girl. Lucy had indeed heard from Megan, and neither one had been very nice about it. Texting Megan back, I simply told her she needed to talk to Lucy about it. I didn't say anything to this chick about Lucy giving him a ride or about their history, just that she needed to talk to Lucy, because I knew it wasn't my place. Much to my surprise, however, Lucy takes it as me getting in her business and proceeds to accuse me of running my mouth. It took several days to convince her that I had not, in fact, said anything about their relationship to Megan other than to talk to her. So I thought we had squashed the shit. Apparently not. (But I'll get to that later)
Several weeks later, I was accused of having a big mouth because I told our mutual friend, call her Beth, that Lucy went on a date with another mutual friend of ours. I didn't think anything of it because it was two mutual friends. The guy is a player: He's made his rounds between the three of us: me, Beth, then finally Lucy, so I just thought it was funny. I didn't think it was a big deal, but apparently, I thought wrong. She was mad and said that I had been telling "people" her business. I denied this, saying I told a single person because i thought it was funny. Then apologized. She was salty for a few days then we were fine again. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, Lucy found out that I name-dropped about someone she had slept with, to Beth, which, I'll admit: okay, I was out of line. But, like I explained to her, it happened before the first time I "ran my mouth" to Beth, so it was in the past, and this is the future. I again said I was sorry and I was being better about it. This was when she, again, brought up the thing with Megan and her ex-boyfriend. I was thinking, like, wtf are you talking about, i told you when that happened that I didn't say anything about your business to this girl, and I thought we squashed it so how is that of relevance? But whatever. We moved past all that. We were back to being what I guess you could call friends.
Secondly, When she accused me of running my mouth with Beth, I was also accused of not cleaning when I need to. She said that she was doing all the chores and I wasn't doing any. That I never cleaned the kitchen or vacuumed the living room or cleaned the bathroom. So first of all, I'm thinking Why in the hell do I need to vacuum a room that we never use? The kitchen and bathroom is tile, the only carpet is in the living room and small section of hallway. But there's not a t.v. in the living room, so i'm never in there and she's rarely in there, so why does it need vacuuming? Second of all, I have cleaned the dishes and/or loaded the dishwasher, I guess just not in her time frame of when things need to be done. In response, I said that she could politely remind me when something needed to be done and I'd do it. She came back with "Every time I ask you, you say you don't do that" to which I replied, "You've only ever asked about the bathroom, which I don't do because it grosses me out." The conversation went on, but eventually came down to making a chore chart and switching off duties. So when it was my turn, I cleaned the bathroom. Afterwards, jokingly, I texted her "I cleaned the bathroom. You should be proud!" She says "That's something that should be done biweekly by us." I replied "Well then it was right on time, was it not?" To which she didn't even reply. Oh. Okay. That's really grown up and mature. Cool. I might suck as a roommate, but she doesn't have to act like a child about it all. But, like I said, we moved past it all and resumed being "friends"
Thirdly, now, Lucy has accused me of stealing a mascara. At which point, I'm thinking This girl is literally psychotic. She is crazy. So let me start at the very beginning. First, let me state that I am a mascara junkie. I've tried a large amount of most drugstore mascaras. Maybelline, Revlon, if you can find it at walmart, I've probably tried it. So, a week or so ago, I saw a teal tube of mascara laying on her dresser while I was talking to her. I had bought a couple of these tubes a while back and hadn't been able to find them. I harmlessly, calmly, carelessly, asked her if it was mine, because I couldn't find mine. She said, no, it was her friend Rachel's. I believed her, of course, thought nothing else about it, and went on with my life. Then, Friday night, I was going to the movies with my boyfriend and was changing purses and found one of the tubes that I had been looking for. So imagine my surprise when Saturday morning I wake up to two texts from Lucy accusing me of going in her room, while she wasn't home, without her permission, and taking the mascara off her dresser. In my semi-sleeping state, I assumed that she had seen mine on my vanity and assumed it was that one. So naturally, I replied that no i didn't take it, I had found mine, I didn't go in her room. At which point she proceeds to tell me that I'm lying, that things don't just disappear and I must have done it. We have argued and argued and argued about it. I'm just sitting here, shocked. It couldn't have fallen off in a drawer or gotten kicked in the closet or under the bed or any of those options? Additionally, come to find out, when I asked about my missing mascara, she claims she had known it was under the bath rug by my sink the whole time. When I asked her why she didn't just tell me that, she responded by saying it's not her job to pick up after me. I'm thinking When did I ask you to pick up after me? All you had to do was say 'hey its under your rug' Like, literally, what the fuck? What the actual fuck? Now she claims that I owe her food and money from like the first week of school and I'm just like "Hm....No."
So Now, let me say why I didn't do this. While I'm doing this, I'll explain why this girl is crazy. 1)I will admit that I used to shoplift. And she knows this, so she's holding it against me. However, shoplifting is stealing from stores without paying. I'm not about to steal from friends though. Being a petty thief is something that I would never do. I wouldn't steal from her or really any individual person. 2)I am a mascara junkie. I have about a dozen other mascaras that I use, so why would I need to steal this one teal tube of mascara? If I was really concerned about it, I would have pressed the issue when I first brought it up, insisting it must be mine, but I didn't. I obviously couldn't have cared less about this mascara. I have a whole makeup bag full of just mascara to the point where it doesn't even zip, so why would I need this one teal tube? This is crazy reason exhibit A. Lucy is pulling this stuff out of her butt. 3)I am a total germaphobe when it comes to sharing makeup. In case you didn't know, everyone in the world has eyelash mites. Mites, okay? Mites! They are the first and foremost reason I do NOT share mascara. So if Lucy had told me it was Rachel's and I said I believed her, why would I steal someone else's mascara? Just no. This is exhibit B. 4)If I was a petty thief, which I'm not, I could have stolen a lot of shit from her room. She (used to) leave her door wide open all the time. I've seen cash, medicine, gift cards, credit cards, and other valuable things, which I could have stolen if I wanted to. But I didn't. I decided I didn't want $10 cash or $20 gift cards, but a single used tube of $6 mascara. Like, what??? Exhibit C.  5)Lastly, I don't ever go into her room without her permission. She has had MY nail polish and various items of MY clothing in her room, but I always asked her if I could go in there and get it. She always ended up bringing it out to me, but the point is that I always asked. So... I decided to go in her room, without her permission, for the first time, for a singular tube of mascara that I believed to be Rachel's? Never mind that I left other belongings of mine in there, I was just after this mascara. Exhibit D.
Now while Lucy and I are arguing over me lying and spinning my web of lies, she says that she's going to take it to our Hall Director, we'll just call her HD. I'm like, okay, that's fine, I'll go talk to her myself. Well, when I go down to talk to HD, HD says we should set up a meeting, then we can talk about me moving out. So I text Lucy to tell her, like, hey, go talk to HD and find a time we can have a meeting. Lucy responds by telling me she has her one-on-ones with HD and doesn't need me. I told her again to find a time to have a meeting. She then says that meetings are for fixing things and we have nothing to fix. I'm thinking Wait, what??? This was your idea! You said you'd take it to HD but now that I beat you to it, you don't want to take it to her?? HUH?! Exhibit E.
So, overall, this girl is just trying to find reasons to be mad at me. I don't want to live there anymore. I put in for a room transfer, and hopefully I'll get it, but I'm just so tired of this crazy girl. She's a bitch and a bully. I'm trying to stay grounded and firm and not let her walk all over me. I'm so tired of apologizing for shit that other people would never care about. I'm just done. I'm not going to take this shit anymore. I just won't. It doesn't even make any sense. My conscious is clean. I didn't steal from her, so I'm really not concerned about whether she believes me or not. But, for her to call me a liar and be so cold and hostile towards me is just way past the line. In addition, her harboring anger towards me is like holding a hot coal: It doesn't hurt anyone but herself. So I'm trying not to worry about her. Just letting go and letting God.
So, there is my cathartic release.
Bye for now, y'all.
Love always