Galatians 6:7

"Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows."
           Galatians 6:7

I came across this verse today on Pinterest and it just kind of made think.
Maybe I'm wrong, but I feel like I continually sow love, like unconditional, forgiving, loyal love. I feel like I am continually sowing love and giving it and handing it out.
But if I am, if I really am sowing this love, when will I reap my fruit?
When will my love be given back to me, ya know?
It's like I planted this tree of love and I water it and I put it in the sun and I do everything I need to do for this little tree, but somehow it still isn't bearing fruit.
And I know, like, I'm only 21, I have plenty of time to find love, blah blah blah.
But I want my fruit!

And maybe I'm interpreting this verse the completely wrong way and that everything I just said is totally irrelevant, but the point is, I'm always giving love and I'm ready to get some of it back.

oh, and happy thanksgiving, y'all! :)

Whirlwind of emotions, pt 2

I realized today that he and I are just in two different stages of our lives. He has trust issues and isn't ready to be serious with anyone. And I totally understand that because when we started seeing each other, I wasn't ready to be serious either.
But now I am. I'm ready to move forward with our relationship, but he's still not. So that leads me to having some certain concerns.

The first is that if I stay with him, how long would it be before he's ready to be serious? How long would I have to wait? How long would I be happy waiting?
The second is that, if I stay, and I wait for him to be ready to move forward, what happens if he decided he's ready to move forward and be serious, but he doesn't want that with me? Then I've wasted all this time waiting around for someone who doesn't even want me.

Those are my two biggest concerns about staying with him right now.
Yeah, I'm happy and I'm okay with how things are for right now, but I know eventually I'll get restless and tired of waiting for him to take the next step.

Do I stay or do I go?

Whirlwind Of Emotions, pt 1.

I'm not the girl I once was and that's pretty scary to me. I used to be so happy and healthy and skinny and pretty and now I don't feel like I'm any of those things anymore. And the worst part is that I don't even know how I got here. And if I don't know how I got to this point, how will I find my way back?

I was once someone I was proud to be and knew exactly who I was and what I wanted and where I wanted to go, but now... I feel like all of that is just up in the air. Like someone stuck my life in the paper shredder, then threw the pieces on the floor. So it's like I can look and see pieces of that girl, small fragments of words on the pieces of a page, but I don't know what order they go in anymore, or if they even belong to me at all. How do I put me back together?

And the words that stand out the most on the floor aren't the most reassuring ones. I think the good words got lost somehow, or covered up or cut up or separated, but the negative ones managed to stick together, on top.

I'm scared I'll never get back to that girl I enjoyed being.

Let me introduce myself...

Hey y'all.
I thought about making this anonymous, but then I decided that would be pointless, because I'll end up linking this to my twitter, so then everyone would know it was me.
So: Hey, I'm Lauren.
I just celebrated my 21st birthday.
I am studying psychology with a minor in elementary education at UTK.
I'm from Nashville and I love my city.
I'm single.
I'm cheesy.
I'm opinionated, strong-willed, and stubborn.
I'm loyal, passionate, impulsive and caring.
I'm biracial and I have awesome freckles.
I'm obsessed with shoes, painting my nails, Diet Coke and One Tree Hill.
My favorite movies include Anastasia, Armageddon, Crash, Save The Last Dance and The Notebook.

I'm gonna use this as a place to post my Spoken Word, my thoughts, my rants, recipes I master, stores I love, whatever I feel like.
Some things, I'm sure, won't make everyone happy, but I've learned not to try to do that. This blog is for my feelings and if you don't like them, that's just fine with me.
It won't be my intention, but I'm sure I'll hurt some feelings along the way, and for that, I'm sorry, but I'm not going to filter my thoughts to avoid that.
Feel free to express your opinions on the things I write: I appreciate feedback.

Thanks for reading.
Love y'all.

The Smell Like Water

I smell you all over me.
Everywhere I go,
Someone in here smells like you.
And suddenly,
I'm overwhelmed.
Drowned in an ocean of memories,
Like a tidal wave consuming me,
Like an undertow,
pulling me down.
And the memories surround me.
The smell like the water
fills my nose and my mouth
and my lungs and my chest
and I'm pulled towards the feelings I thought had been laid to rest.
The smell, like the water of the shower
as steam pervades my brain and cages me in,
reminding me of you.
And I can't escape from it.
The smell like water:
like an ocean with no shore,
I can't get out of it.
I drown in memories of you and me,
pulled down by the undertow of the flow
of the smell of you, like water, over me.

it goes both ways, babe

DISCLAIMER: this post will probably (most likely) be highly offensive to a lot of you. Remember, you're reading this by choice.

In the days of post-election dramatics, I seem to have learned a lot about where other people stand as well as where I stand. I've learned that the people I used to think so highly of are people who don't deserve those thoughts at all. I've come *this* close to flying off the handle and even closer to punching someone in their all too white face.

First of all, I'm beyond pissed off that people are saying that black people voted for Barack just because he is black. Um excuse me. The last time *I* checked, there were white people who *didn't* vote for him just because he is black. so PLEASE go jump off a cliff with that bullshit. The last time I checked, there were STILL, in 2012, white men (cops who are legally certified) who pulled black men over just because they are black, companies who passed black people over for promotions just because they are black, places who still attempt to refuse black people service JUST BECAUSE THEY ARE BLACK. so when white people stop doing things just because someone is black, that's when i'll listen to you.... then again, maybe not.

Second of all, i'm slightly irritated that people keep calling him black. he's biracial, people! BIRACIAL. as a biracial woman myself, it's sort of offensive. My president is BIRACIAL! When I look at someone and say i'm black, it's "no, lauren, you're mixed" or "no, lauren, you're only half." WELL DAMMIT SO IS BARACK. SO BYE.

Third and finally, for those of you who have said you're moving somewhere else, or barack is a joke, or something along those lines, well good freaking riddance. I'll help you pack. literally, bye. For one, our country is the ONLY country with as much freedom as you'll find. Also, Canada and Australia BOTH have universal healthcare, which is something you so adamantly protest, so, uh, okay. Furthermore, no matter how much you disagree with the president's views, you should still support him because he is your president. That's part of the reason our country is in such a hole right now is because congress/senate/house can't get anything done because they like to disagree just for the sake of being anti-obama. Get out of here with that! It's not helping ANYONE, including your own dumb butt.

okay, my political rant is over.

love ya,
lauren

when you point the finger, there's three pointed back at you

This isn’t about you. 

Or about me or how I deserve better. 

It’s not even about him. It’s not about who he was or still might be or who he was married to and why they divorced. 

This isn’t about he’s your brother and how you feel about it and it’ll “take some getting used to.” This isn’t about where he’s been or what his number is or who he’s taken home.

Maybe it is, maybe you’re making it that way but it shouldn’t be.

It should be about one thing, and one thing only and its that he makes me happy. He treats me right and good and well and makes me feel special.

So he smokes a little pot and drinks a little. But he’s never, not once, pressured me to do anything I didn’t want to do.

He’s the one person that came out with me and STAYED on my birthday.

maybe he likes to do the occasional hardcore drug. maybe, just maybe. But who cares as long as it doesn’t change the way he treats me. He’s never hit me or yelled at me or done any of those things.

So I hid it from you for a few days. But now I told you. And now it’s just a problem because you want it be a problem. It’s a problem because you WANT it to be. 

Because you’re dramatic. And because I’m dramatic too, I can’t really say that you’re being dramatic. I can’t tell you that you’re making a big deal out of nothing, because I do it too. 

You’re being selfish. And the way you talked to me was completely across the line. But I’m biting my tongue and keeping my mouth shut, because maybe that’s a good idea. “giving a fuck about my life” is exactly what I was doing by telling you at all. I could’ve just kept seeing him behind your back, because what would you say? What would you do if you found out? Because I didn’t want to lose you again, because you’re my best friend.

But today you’re being selfish. And Nathan makes me happy. And that’s all that should count. Not that he’s your brother. Or that he does this or that. It’s not your place to judge him for it or to judge me for looking past it.

Not to mention the fact that you didn’t even acknowledge how hard it had to have been for me to tell you. The fact that I tried to protect your feelings by trying to find the right time to tell you. By not telling you when you were dealing with Jason things. By not telling you and ruining my birthday weekend/homecoming weekend festivities. By not telling you on the way to dinner with my family. That it took a lot for me to finally tell you after hiding it for a few days.

God, I thought you’d be happy to know that someone who cares about me was the one who made sure I got home okay when that girl left me. I thought you’d at least acknowledge that part, but silly me. Of course you just focused on you and you and you

And you accuse me of being so selfish. And accuse others of being selfish. 

But look in the freaking mirror for once please. You’re just as selfish too.