Coward

If I don’t exist when you’re sober,

Don’t remember me when you’re drunk

If I’m dead to you without the smoke in your lungs,

Don’t revive me when they’re all filled up.

Don’t blow up my phone with those lame “are you up” texts

Asking if I wanna come over for sex

Or maybe just chat

Because you know I’m worth more than that

More than late night regrets and selfish “come back”s

With no consideration for the implications

And repercussions that those words might hold

Or any regard for the heart that you broke

Don’t text me because the liquor made you forget

Just because the flicker of the moonlight

Tricked your mind into redefining your idea of our fucked up relationship

Using sweet words as a bargaining chip

Thinking hopefully I’ll slip and

Fall for it and you all over again

But I’m not dumb and naive like I was back then

The first time we completed this cycle and you pushed me away

Because it was you who was the coward

That disappeared and cowered in fear

From the strong woman whose emotions were sincere

You said you would be busy but I was willing to persevere

But when you told me you didn’t want me I kicked out my landing gear

In hopes of preparing for the crash

You threw me away like trash and in a flash you were gone

Left with nothing but the ghost of you and forced to move on

Years of back and forth and endless frustration

Without cessation of the constant blame you put on me

I was too this or too that

All things you claim in order to ignore your responsibility

And shame me into thinking Maybe my crown is too big or too heavy

When really it’s your hands that are too small

To carry all the weight of its majesty

That I earned through all the heartache

Every jewel placed after every heartbreak I made it through

So imagine my surprise when late one night my phone rings and its you

Of course it’s three in the morning

And without warning you ask me something

That’s conforming you and transforming you into exactly the fuckboy I thought you’d never be

Yanking me awake as you try to explain

Your request that dredges up the heartache that I tried to bury years ago

As you attempt to persuade I’m forced to cut you short

Because I’m reminded of how so easily you manage to distort

Our truth

Of who loved who the most and who got lost along the way

I have all the proof I need that I was the one who got crossed out

That I was the one who fought, despite the cost of my heart

How many nights I resisted the cries of my heart

The drunken dials I refused to start

The texts I drafted that would never depart

My will power grew strong

Despite how much I longed for you

You made it clear that I didn’t belong

But you

The coward

Gave in every time

Only empowered by the burning flowers

or the small brain in your trousers

thinking perhaps I would devour your drunken words

but I’ve put guards on my heart

because so long I was invisible to you

that now I’m invincible to you

the typical man with actions unforgivable and inadmissible

because it’s the principal of the matter that I never mattered when you were sober

so don’t remember me when you’re drunk if you forget me when you’re sober

and don’t revive me with smoke filled lungs if I was dead to you when they’re empty.