The Fighting

Okay y'all.
Some of you already know: I write spoken word.
It's real and honest and raw and usually it's from a place deep inside myself so it takes a lot for me to put it out in the public.
But for once I wrote this piece for someone else, not for me. It's still just as real and honest, though.

To whom this was written for: If you read this, you'll know. and I hope it doesn't hurt you.
But, for the rest of you, I just hope you like it.


The Fighting
The fighting begins and never seems to end.
Not the physical fist fighting, violent and angry.
Still dangerous.
Because youe words feel like blows to my heart,
leaving bruises and "I hate you" shaped marks.

The fighting.
Forever feeling like you don't want me anymore.
The funny thing is: I want you to fight.
Just not about this.
You're supposed to fight for us and me and keeping me around,
but you're not.

The fighting continues.
I tell them: I feel like we're coming to an end.
But they don't see it, so they tell me I'm crazy.
They tell me you love and you'll never let me go.
So I believe them.

But the fighting.
They don't argue behind closed doors with you.
And so that's exactly what you're doing:
Letting me go.

The fighting.
Making me wonder just exactly how long you've been lying.
And wonder if you're trying to make me let go first by the incessant fighting.
But how can I let you go when I love you?
I'm so in love with you, even though I know you don't love me as much.

So I start fighting too.
Fighting.
Trying.
Crying.
Attempting to prove that we can make it through.
And after all that we've been through,
I refuse to throw my hands in the air and give up on you.
I'm pushing and pulling and fighting for us and everything I thought I wanted.
Like I've done for so long now.

And I'm not sure how I'll survive without you.
I'll have to learn how to breathe without you.
How to sleep
How to eat
How to think without you.
Plan my days, my nights, my weekends
Without you.

Because you're fighting.
And I'm fighting too.
But you're winning
And I'm losing.
And suddenly I'm done fighting,
And we're through.